I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
