I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
