Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
well most of my day revolves around power hour
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
