everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
