I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
