a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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