she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
