Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
