I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
