Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
