I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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