No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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