So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
