we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
