Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
