when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
