look no pants
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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