you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
