I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
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