dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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