He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
