saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
