Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
