listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
