i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
