I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
