Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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