When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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