Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Randomize
