We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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