I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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