not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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