John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
