A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
why do cheetos always look like penises
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize