I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
