my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
