yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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