I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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