I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
