No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
The police scanner is talking about you again....
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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