We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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