I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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