I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
