There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
