I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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