We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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