my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
