Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the day after is always just damage control
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
