Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Need sex. Gaining weight.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
