I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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