sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
