I think im going to throw up on grandma
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
